Monday, June 1, 2009
You know the phrase fat and happy? Sometime I think that is true. Back when I was "fat" (or obese by US standards) and not doing anything about it, I was pretty content. I mean, sure I knew I needed to lose weight. But I didn't obsess over it daily. So why is it that when we are working out and losing weight that we feel SO bad about ourselves sometimes?? (ok a lot) Why are we so critical all of a sudden?? Maybe it's just me (but I doubt it.)
Ever since everything happened with Mr. P. I've slid back into the "self-loathing" phase a little bit. (for the record, he's never made me feel bad about myself, quite the opposite) I've been working out and eating so healthy it's ridiculous. But yet, I look in the mirror and just get disgusted with myself. I know this is ridiculuos. I know that in doing this, I am sabotaging myself. How can someone else love me when I can't love myself? How do you find that fine line between being OK and loving yourself and yet knowing you need to lose weight. I know I'm not hideously overweight. I know 45 pounds is not the end of the world. But it doesn't matter if it's 200 pounds or 20 pounds. Those feelings are the same.
I also know that losing weight doesn't necessary = happiness. Some of the most beautiful people in the world have the same problems. I get it. I know it. But I can't seem to make it go away. I know, I need to pray about it. And I do, everyday. Maybe I'm not believing or having enough faith. It's just hard. I feel like my entire world revolves around my weight lately. At the pool this weekend, there were tons of cute girls in bikinis laying out. I was so hot and wanted to get in the pool so bad, but I stayed in my chair and sweated (is that a word??) to death. Because I was so embarrassed. I know. You don't have to say it. Ridiculous. These mind games we play with ourselves are real. It's a real fear of mine. I hate it. I want to be confident in my "voluptuousness" while I work on getting healthier. But it's hard. That's what she said. See? Sense of humor isn't totally gone.
Nothing to do but keep on...keep trying...be good to myself...and count my blessings. Daily. Cause I have many!
Whine over...now pass the WINE (but only 4-6 oz please. You know. For heart health of course.)