You know the phrase fat and happy? Sometime I think that is true. Back when I was "fat" (or obese by US standards) and not doing anything about it, I was pretty content. I mean, sure I knew I needed to lose weight. But I didn't obsess over it daily. So why is it that when we are working out and losing weight that we feel SO bad about ourselves sometimes?? (ok a lot) Why are we so critical all of a sudden?? Maybe it's just me (but I doubt it.)
Ever since everything happened with Mr. P. I've slid back into the "self-loathing" phase a little bit. (for the record, he's never made me feel bad about myself, quite the opposite) I've been working out and eating so healthy it's ridiculous. But yet, I look in the mirror and just get disgusted with myself. I know this is ridiculuos. I know that in doing this, I am sabotaging myself. How can someone else love me when I can't love myself? How do you find that fine line between being OK and loving yourself and yet knowing you need to lose weight. I know I'm not hideously overweight. I know 45 pounds is not the end of the world. But it doesn't matter if it's 200 pounds or 20 pounds. Those feelings are the same.
I also know that losing weight doesn't necessary = happiness. Some of the most beautiful people in the world have the same problems. I get it. I know it. But I can't seem to make it go away. I know, I need to pray about it. And I do, everyday. Maybe I'm not believing or having enough faith. It's just hard. I feel like my entire world revolves around my weight lately. At the pool this weekend, there were tons of cute girls in bikinis laying out. I was so hot and wanted to get in the pool so bad, but I stayed in my chair and sweated (is that a word??) to death. Because I was so embarrassed. I know. You don't have to say it. Ridiculous. These mind games we play with ourselves are real. It's a real fear of mine. I hate it. I want to be confident in my "voluptuousness" while I work on getting healthier. But it's hard. That's what she said. See? Sense of humor isn't totally gone.
Nothing to do but keep on...keep trying...be good to myself...and count my blessings. Daily. Cause I have many!
Whine over...now pass the WINE (but only 4-6 oz please. You know. For heart health of course.)
20 comments:
Hey! Keep your chin up because this soon will pass. You'll be feeling better in no time and don't worry about venting. hello i posted about getting my period during my marathon. ha ha ha. :)
I feel the same way! We went to the waterpark this weekend and while Mr. G can't keep his EYES off of my body, I see that little roll of belly fat when I sit down and want to CRINGE! He and I are starting our workout together tonight. :) Keep your head up girl!
chin up girlfriend!! you are beautiful!!
All I can offer is encouragement. We all have negative feelings sometimes - and even the girl that wants to lose that last stubborn 10 pounds is allowed to wallow a little, but at least you ARE doing something about it. Just keep up what your doing and it will get better!
Sometimes it helps to just get it out and say it. Maybe now that you have, it will get better. :)
it's better to vent than keep it all in. Whining comes with life. You wouldn't be human if you didn't do.
I totally feel ya though. I've been feeling the same way you do these last few weeks. Gotta get outa the funk. But we need to funk sometimes. :)
Chin up. It will get better! It doens't seem like the self loathing is a "normal" every day attitude for you. So, It too, shall pass. :)
BTW, you look great in the photo and THAT counts for something :)
Oh honey...I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it's tough and I think you are doing the right thing. Just keep praying!
A few weeks ago there was a guest speaker at church and she said struggled with weight fluctuations for a long time. Then someone told her the average woman was a size 12 and she decided she didn't want to be below average :-) so she stopped worrying about being a size 6 or 8 or 10 and embraced who she was. Of course, there is a little humor added in there, but at the same time, it was a good message. Hearing that helped me embrace who I am and hopefully it will help you too.
You are an awesome person and you are doing an incredible job of making yourself healthier. Keep it up!
BIG HUGS!
Before we became "aware" or "hyper-aware" we were blissful in our ignorance. But that is when the REAL self-loathing existed. That is when we really hated ourselves...when we didn't even care to know what we were doing to ourselves with our poor eating and lack of exercise. THAT part of us is gone. With our awareness comes a sense of responsibility. Just make the next right choice...one choice at a time.
Man oh man do I understand...we're having a pool party this weekend and having lots of friends & family over, so I'm doing the same thing- looking in the mirror & HATING it! I mean, we got married a year ago. I gained 10 pounds from our honeymoon from all the drinks & steaks we ate, and then when I came off birth control and packed on 20 more. That means 30 pounds in a year. And I was a "curvy" girl to start with! I was doing so well trying to eat right and work out often but I only lost 8 pounds after months of work. I've fallen off the wagon now, and nearly given up. Please know you are totally not alone in this!!!! We can do it! :) And if not, we'll have to learn to love ourselves the way we are, I guess!
I know it may be hard with all the stuff that's going on around you, but staying positive & keeping the faith will get you through those tough moments.
What has worked for me in the last year was making a vision board with all the goals I want to achieve. I know I won't achieve them all at once, but at least I've put it out there that I want to accomplish them.
You know how to find me if you ever want to chat. :)
Ugg do I know what yo mean. I'm right smack dab in the middle of a weight loss-a-rama & feel like a slug. Feel like I look like a slug too. All I think about is my weight lately. My food journal. Losing weight. etc. It's almost a full time job in of itself.
Bless your heart!!!! I really do think this is something that EVERY woman goes through!!!! Why do we do that to ourselves?
I totally understand the "focusing" thing can drive you nuts! It can become over whelming! Sounds like you could use a fun vac-ay!!! Some fun to take your mind off of the stresses that have been thrown at you!
You'll get over this hump! Keep doing what you're doing! Keep running, keep eating healthy! And KNOW - you are a BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL woman - inside AND out!!!!
For what it worth, I think you look great and always put-together and that's half the battle! Come'on! You know my phone call yesterday about Mr. Blinky made you laugh!
I think we all have times like this. I have lost roughly 40 lbs and most days I feel like I look exactly the same as I did when I started.
Its hard, but try to keep your chin up - you will be in a happy place again, it just may take some time.
I agree with most people here - I think you are gorgeous inside and out. Honestly that quality is hard to come by in this world. I know some pretty peeps on the outside but super ugly in the inside. I love your blogs. My advice to you would be surround yourself with positive people and people you love. Eventually this will pass! Oh and praying always helps! :)
okay "that's what she said" was totally cute. cg, you are so beautiful. i see pics of you often and i have never once thought to myself: "fat." it literally broke my heart when i read the part about you sweating by a pool because you felt so bad about yourself. i wanted to reach out and hug you right then. that is ridiculous, you are right about that. you need to remember the time in your life where you were "obese" and think, "wow, i have come SO far." and it will only keep getting better. i can only imagine how frustrating it is to try and lose weight because it's not like you wake up one day and there's a dramatic difference. (unless you were bulimic or something that is) but look back every few months on your progress and how great you have been doing. don't go by the scales. go by how good you feel after you work out or feel healthy. the results will come, girl. patience is of course the key..and i know that it's hard. but you can do it, girl. i know you will!
and no matter WHAT, remember that YOU are freaking gorgeous. i'd never lie about that.
You are beautiful. Hang in there.
Don't get yourself down. I have been there so many times recently. It does help to get it out, doesn't it? I know that I only want to lose 30 pounds and to some, that sounds like a piece of cake. But you're right, it's so hard to have a good attitude when everyone around you seems to be fitter and thinner. You are beautiful and you do have many blessings. Keep it up - you are doing so good!!
Last year I had a personal trainer (then I became a stay at home mom with a sick child for 7 months and couldn't afford him anymore) and he told me that I shouldn't worry about the weight loss but the inches and he was right. In 8 weeks I lost 11 pounds but it was the inches that I really saw the difference in.
I know what you mean. I didn't worry about my weight until I stopped seeing Carson's father. I think it was fear that no one would want me except for him being 25 pounds overweight. But then I decided I would start living life with or without the packed on extra pounds and it helps.
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