Church: I may have found one?

I've had this anxiety about going to church for a long time. I was raised in church, so you'd think it would be a familiar setting to me. But that was back when I was younger and went to church with my family. We rode together and we left together. We were a unit.

I have anxiety about going to church alone, so when a friend and her mom asked me to start going with them to their church, I agreed. But I never felt at home in this new church. We all stopped going around the same time because the church had some problems and lost their Pastor and their associate Pastor.  It's sad to say, but really I was relieved. I wasn't enjoying this church experience at all and if I'm being honest, I only went so that I could say "Yes, I go to church." Sad? Yes. But true. But I wasn't really going to "church" if you know what I mean. I was sitting in a pew. Maybe it was partly my fault but I also didn't feel much happening in this church. Music to me is a very important part of worship. When the choir sang, I'd look around at the faces in the pews. No emotion. No feelings. Just blank stares. I liked the Pastor but my mind drifted a lot during his sermons. It's a beautiful church and I loved the building and beautiful stained glass windows. But it wasn't enough to keep me coming. I felt awkward and out of place there. That was about 3 years ago and I hadn't been inside a church ever since except for Christmas Eve services with my mom.

I was talking to a coworker a few weeks ago about really wishing I could find a church. I struggle with this often. She was a member of a local church nearby but hadn't been in awhile. I think she'd been having some similar feelings that I did with my last church experience. So we both agreed to go visit a new church together. That was yesterday.

From the moment we walked through the parking lot, something just felt different. Normally I have severe anxiety about walking into a new church but I felt none. I felt at ease and comfortable. And even though the people greeting me were complete strangers, they felt like people I'd known my whole life. The dress code was a little more relaxed than I'm used to, but I also feel as though this made a difference in why I felt so at ease. No need to dress to impress. Just come as you are. If that means jeans, so be it. Or if you want to dress up, then that's ok too. It was different, but it felt ok. Sometimes I think being out of your comfort thing is a good thing. There was no awkward looks or wondering why were three girls walking in to church together. Two of us single and one going through a divorce. We aren't your normal church goers - you know - the mom, the dad, and the 2 kids. But maybe us misfits are the new normal. And they accepted us in such a warm way.

When the music began, I looked around. I saw emotion in people's faces. And not only did I see it, I felt it.That's big for me. And when the Pastor spoke, my mind never drifted and that's so unusual for me. I felt as though I could have listened to him speak for hours and not even notice the time.I really think I need this because I've been feeling so blah about life lately. Something has been missing and perhaps this is it.

We have made plans to visit again next week and I am actually looking forward to it. I am praying hard that this could be the church for me. The true test will be if I can make myself go alone. When walking through the parking lot yesterday, I saw a girl close to my age walking in by herself. And I noticed her later on sitting by herself. Maybe that was a sign for me. If she can do it, I can do it. I can conquer these fears. I can "do church" alone and by ok! And afterall, as a Christian, I'm never truly alone, right?

It didn't hurt that they had an awesome coffee bar in the lobby. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship...

Musical Thursday

I pass another day wasting
Thoughts on what's ahead asking
What if, and why not, and who's to say?
When all I really know of you
Is you're just as lonely too
'Cause desperate hearts are hearts that need someone, and
Carolina, you will have to forgive me
Carolina, this is just my tendency
Forgive me...

One of my faves!

Deep Thoughts on a Friday

Ever feel like you missed the train in life? Like you were supposed to buy the ticket or whatever it is that was supposed to get you on the train but you missed out on that? And all your friends are on the train waving at you and you are running beside it trying to get on but you can't seem to make it happen. 

Most days I feel so blessed and thankful for the life I have. But some days I just feel so strange. Like life is passing me by and I can't figure out why I'm not on "the bus." I am definitely NOT where I thought I'd be at this age and it's a strange strange feeling. Not necessarily a bad feeling. Just strange. I have morbid thoughts all the time about what's going to happen to me when I lose my parents. My brother and I are not super close, so I'm so scared that I'm going to end up alone someday. I know that is awful but I have these thoughts frequently these days. I could always adopt a child but it's so hard to adopt when you are a single person. So many hoops to jump through and then there's the financial hardships. I don't know if I could do it.

Maybe I'm fighting too hard to get on a train I'm not supposed to be on. But if not, then what's the plan?

Is this a mid-life crisis? I sort've feel like it perhaps. I keep having those "maybe I should go sky-diving" thoughts. I'm in a rut. I don't feel excited about anything these days. Everything seems so....monotonous.

If you know me IRL, please bear with me. This too shall pass. In the mean time, fake it til ya make it...

Weekend in Review

Let's start with Friday night shall we? I almost did not go to this event, but I am glad I did now. Hilarious! I was invited by a friend to attend an event called Bid for Bachelors. Basically they auctioned of a dozen or so local Bachelors and the proceeds benefited the South Carolina Victim Assistance Network so it was all for a good cause.

The outfit I wore - I had no clue what to wear but there were women wearing formal evening attire and a few in jeans.

One of the bachelors walking the catwalk in his military attire. Men in uniform = Reow. :) 

My friend and I scoping out the fellas. No, we didn't bid. Sorry! :) (Edited to add: The bidding started off at $500, which is why we didn't bid. Would have loved to but my pocketbook wasn't ready for that!)

Saturday, two of my girlfriends took me to the Folly Beach for an early birthday celebration. We had SUCH a good time. This was the view from our room:

 

We started the day off with a few of these...

Cheers!

Thanks L & J for an awesome weekend!

Is DST kicking anyone else's ass also? This morning was ROUGH for me. But I know I will enjoy the extra daylight tonight! Here's to Spring around the corner! *Achoo!*

Game Face Back On

My little pity party is now over and I'm feeling much better lately! The past 2 weeks I kicked it back into gear and really got busy. I finally got on the scale last weekend and it wasn't near as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was prepared for a full meltdown. But it was not bad and here we are again. Renewing. Recommitting. I mean, what else can you do right? I hate that I've talked about weight loss so much on my blog and it's embarrassing to think about how many times I've posted "here we go again" in regards to fitness and weight loss. I know I shall always have to fight this battle but ....a certain scary birthday looms into my future in the next few years, and I refuse to still be where I am today when that birthday rolls around. If I'm going to be "that scary age" I'm going to rock it.

I've been having some pain in my right knee the past few months, so running is out for me right now. I am not one of those crazy "push past the pain" when it comes to my knee kind of people. Sorry...my love for running is not that intense. So I needed a new game plan. I joined a new gym and so far what I like about it are all of the cardio options. There are arc trainers, ellipticals, treadmills, bicycles, etc. I've been trying them all out, and getting some awesome workouts. I'm still doing some weights at home, a little P90x here and there and also using My Fitness Pal like it's my JOB. My coworkers are starting a biggest loser contest in a few weeks so that should be interesting! It's $60 to enter and with at least 10 people in the contest...well you do the math. That's a pretty big pot and incentive!

I also may or may not have bought this:

Don't judge... (I'm loving it!)

Not much else to update! Hope you all have a fabulous weekend. xo!